The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.
Billy: Who, me?
Teacher: Very good!
Why do Swiss cows have bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
Customer: Waiter, waiter! I’m in a hurry. Will my pancake be long?
Waiter: No, sir. It will be round.
Who's there ?
Kay who ?
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.
What do you call a nervous witch?
Who was the first underwater spy?
What dog smells of onions?
A hot dog.
What goes zzub zzub?
A bee flying backwards.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
It ran out of juice.
Q: What did they award the man that invented the door knocker?
A: The No-bell Prize.
What do you call a Roman emperor with flu?
Q: What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.
What's the difference between a well dressed man and a tired dog?
One wears a suit, and the other just pants.
What's the hardest key to turn?
What is the most popular sentence at school?
I don't know.
Laura woke up late for school, she was 10 minutes late. She rushed into school.
Her teacher asked her, why are you so late, and Laura replied, "oh did I miss something?"
Q: How does a male octopus ask a female octopus to marry him?
A: Can I have your hand, your hand, your hand, your hand ...
'Did you hear about the dog who went to a flea circus?'
'No, what happened?'
'He stole the show.'
This vicar said, 'I like graveyards. They're never deserted.'
The sexton said, 'Really Father, why's that?'
The vicar said, 'Well there's always some body there.'
My brother said, 'Mum, I'm feeling sick as a dog.'
My mum said, 'Hang on, I'll call the vet.'
Did you hear about the man who kept thinking he was Dracula?
He was a pain in the neck.
Did you hear about the vampire that swallowed a sheep?
He said he felt baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.
My uncle said, 'How do you make a baby poisonous snake cry?'
I said, 'I don't know. How do you make a baby poisonous snake cry?'
He said, 'Take away his rattle.'
Did you hear about the prisoner who talked very slowly?
He took twentyfive years to finish a sentence.
My uncle was talking to this egg. He said, 'I'm ever so sorry little egg but I'm about to fry you.'
The egg said, 'Are you having me on?'
My uncle said, 'Of course I am. I'm having you on toast.'
My mum and dad went into this restaurant. They said, 'Waiter, have you got spaghetti on the menu?'
The waiter said, 'Looks like it. I'll get a cloth and wipe it off.'
The doctor said, 'Is your cough better now?'
My brother said, 'Oh yes much better. I've been practising for weeks.'
Did you hear about the man who wouldn't wash until he became a millionaire? He's now filthy rich.
My uncle keeps a pig under his bed. I said, 'What about the smell?'
My uncle said, 'He doesn't mind that.'
Hear about the musical ghost? He wrote haunting melodies.
Did you hear about the ghost who works at Scotland Yard?
He's the Chief in-spectre.
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit cards.
How do you know if an elephant has been in fridge?
You'll find it's footprints in the butter.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Have you ever tried ironing one?
What is big, grey and far too dangerous to appear in a circus?
An elephant with a machine gun.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the herd of elephants approaching?
'Here come the elephants!
What song does Tarzan always sing at Christmas?
Pupil to Teacher: Sir, would you punish a person for something they haven't done?
Teacher: Of course not.
Pupil: Good, then you won't mind that I haven't done my homework!
Teacher to Pupil: Can you name me six things which have milk in them?
Pupil: Cheese, yoghurt, cream - and three cows!
What did the shy traffic light say to the motorist?
Don't look now - I'm changing!
What TV programme is watched mainly by cows?
Moos At Ten.
First cannibal: What are you cooking for dinner?
Second cannibal: Shut up and get back in the oven
What does a caterpillar do every 1st of January?
He turns over a new leaf.
Boy to girl: Wow! You look like a million dollars.
Girl: Do you really think so?
Boy: Yes, you're all green and wrinkly.
Teacher to Pupil: What do you get if you divide 2365 by 37?
Pupil: The wrong answer, I expect, Miss.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a goat.
And how long has this been going on?
Oh, ever since I was a kid.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair curtains.
Pull yourself together!
Doctor, Doctor, I've just swallowed a clock!
Don't worry - there's no cause for alarm.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
Just sit there and I'll deal with you in a minute.
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
'Grandad, do you know how to croak?'
I don't think so, Steven, why?"
'Because Dad says he'll be rich when you do.'
A woman got on a bus with seven children. The bus conductor asked: 'Are these all yours lady? Or is it a picnic?'
'They're all mine,' she replied. 'And it's no picnic!'
The first thing a child learns when he gets a drum is that he'll never get another one.
Where do fish keep their money?
In river banks.
Why did the farmer ask the vet to examine his cow?
Because she was so mooo-dy.
Danielle at me, it's not my fault.
Cows go who?
Cows go moo not who.
Moose you keep asking so many questions?
Oslo down, you're going way too fast.
Imus get in out of the rain.
Hair combs who?
Hair combs the bride.
Justin time for lunch.
Luke out, the cops are after you.
Dummy a favor and go away.
Eddie body home?
Yule never know just how much I love you.
Onya marks, get set, go.
Pear of shoes.
Q: What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam roller?
A: Flatman and ribbon.
Q: What do you do when your chair breaks?
A: Call a Chairman.